I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
