why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
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He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize