apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
