I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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