JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
