my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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