I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
