Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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