I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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