He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
