Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
