Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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