i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
