I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
