apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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