I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
