Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
