if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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