matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
