The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
