how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
