Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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