I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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