Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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