Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day