the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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