hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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