I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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