I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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