soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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