saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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