This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
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He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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