I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
