Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
