The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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