Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i came on her dog
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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