Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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