I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
