I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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