i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.