i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.