Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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