we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I could make wine with my vomit
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo