If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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