I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just want to make out with him forever
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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