Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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