Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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