I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She's the barista slut.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
