Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
