Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Found your dick twin last night
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
