My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
no you cant smoke seaweed
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
