the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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