I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
