Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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