I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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