i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
