good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
