So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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