well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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