Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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