please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
