the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
