and you said cock pushups were impossible
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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